Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Confused

I once, a couple of years ago, decided for one of many New Years resolutions to make a Vlog (Blog=web log, Vlog=video log) and post a video each day on YouTube. I kept this up for a number of months (got to day 142), and so began to have a format to my titles. It was always Vlog #(day of the year) and then a one word title. One word is enough to incise, while indicative of the nature of the piece to come. Too long can make the body boring and predicable. It requires wisdom and understanding as to the essential content of the article to come. I have decided not to bind myself to any format in these blogs (despite a temptation to adopt an internet persona of Mr. Fenn, and so this whole paragraph is simply inane chatter and I do not intend to stick to one word titles.

I just wanted to share a reflection on my life. As I look at myself now, compared to when I joined this community at the end of August I can see some complete contradictions. I'm almost a different person, though I know-not which is the truer image of myself. I feel less confident in who I am, and in what I know about Faith, etc. but yet I know i am in fact less nervous when I stand in front of a crowd of people and in relating to people for the first time.

D-South involved a group of 21 young people, which was big enough to allow us to present a bit and have space for ourselves - a mini-conference setting. D-North involved just 10 people, plus team so it was felt we needed to be less presentational and more relational. Now, I was not looking forward to this.  I knew that my talk on the sunday played off the audience and using tolls as a presenter that is lost if i were to deliver the content in the context of a less formal discussion. Now, here is my confusion. I felt in applying to Sion that I would be good at giving talks because I had lots of knowledge and am not good at thinking on my feet. But all my experience is with small groups. When i taught first aid with SJA to cadets it would be with a group of about 10 at most, RCIA would involve 10-20 sat together in a circle and the same with the Senior RE group - I should be most comfortable in that setting. Again, I realized that i find it difficult to talk to a crowd if I can;t see them respond - I found it hard talking about marriage on one mission because the team 'shhed' the pupils as I was talking but then I lost my gauge to focus my words. That suggests I do have confidence at thinking fast (providing I'm confident with my message).

I could say with confidence that I was a thinker over a feeler at the beginning of the year, but through regular sharing and increased focus on emotion I am somewhat more irrational than at the beginning of the year. Yes, you will note I retain my thinker prejudges against feeler types at least!

I don't want to go on too long, my constant fear, but felt those couple of examples help to give you an insight into how I feel slightly confused as to my self at the moment. I can't quite step out of myself enough to see clearly, and that's not necessarily a bad thing for now I can take each moment as it comes without feeling trapped in a box that people, me included (I'm a people) say fits me.

At any rate, stay blessed dear reader! :)


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