Tuesday, 7 January 2014

What are you doing at the moment, Michael?

A dreaded question, but as it's got further into the year (I still work around the year starting in September!) one that is both asked less and is more ridiculous than dreaded! Its a valid question.

My usual answer is 'not a lot'. And that's true. Sometimes I explain I'm looking for work, or unemployed (depending on my mood). Often, I explain that last year i did a gap year as with Sion Community involving youth mission work, and this is a second gap year though less productive than the first. I might go to university next year.

But why am I doing not a lot? So I chose not to continue being a full-time member of community as I didn't feel called to be. I didn't really have an alternative in mind, but I didn't want to drift. Over a period of a couple of months I had this question in mind, should i stay or should i go, and I didn't feel at peace about staying in Community. This was May, so I still had several months to sort out something to do post Sion. I looked at making a late university application (the deadline long past, meant that I'd have to go through clearing - but I still hadn't decided on a route of study). I looked at jobs, and even decided the ideal job would be a cashier at a bank branch. Alas nothing fell in place, and I returned to my parents home still open.

In this nothingness, I wondered if God had a plan. Maybe I could focus on vocation and visit some religious houses or something. But the issue is that while I'm looking for work, I cant plan other things. I've had a couple of interviews but nothing has come up. I was offered a temporary placement (which was ongoing work) but had to turn it down due to university interviews. Maybe this nothingness was for me to have the space I desired and to rediscover myself and independently establish a renewed relationship with Jesus Christ. Though, that is harder than I thought.

I did consider leaving and doing an internship with a pro-life group. But in leaving Sion last year I discerned to be in the world more and to have space. In spite of many ideal features, I chose to say no. I have already said I'd help with confirmation group here as well.

It's a frustrating time. But you know, I have a lot of peace about this and know that I can give glory to God in the nothingness. And that's what I intend to do.

I am currently pondering John 16:12-14 where Jesus says to his disciples that he has much to say, but they are not ready and the Spirit will come to them. Perhaps, in this time, I can listen to the voice of the Spirit who speaks not of His own accord, but speaks what he hears and proclaims what is Jesus's and what is to come.

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